I've somehow gotten off track with the Sacred Marriage posts, so I thought I'd try to get back on that topic today. If you're like Kristin and I, when you were first married you became acutely aware of some small differences. "This is a tea towel," Kristin would remind me, "and this towel is used for drying your hands, and it goes here." This made no sense to me whatsoever. A towel is a towel right? Apparently not, at least not at Kristin's parents house. Maybe it's where jackets and coats are stored, where dirty dishes go or where you keep the Tylenol. Maybe it's wearing shoes in the house or what drawer the cutlery goes in. Surely all of us married folk have had to endure these conversations.
If we have to endure long periods of time with these kind of conversations, we have a tendency to embrace, at first, a low level of contempt, which then breeds higher levels of contempt and resentment. That's the topic of this chapter.
The author, Gary Thomas, says,
"All of us have a visceral desire to be respected. When this desire isn't met, we are tempted to lapse into a self-defeating response. Rather than work to build our own life so that respect is granted to us, we work to tear down our spouse in a desperate attempt to convince ourselves that their lack of respect is meaningless. Spiritually, this becomes a vicious and debilitating cycle that is extremely difficult to break.
God has a solution that, if we adopt it, will revolutionize our relationships. While many people fight to receive respect, Christian marriage calls us to focus our efforts on giving respect. We are called to honor someone even when we know only too well their deepest character flaws. We are called to stretch ourselves, to find out how we can learn to respect this person with whom we've become so familiar. And in this exploration, we are urged to "have contempt for contempt.'"
I thought this was wise advice. I know that too often I've fallen into this trap - thinking that I am owed more respect, and tearing down my wife. For this I have often repented. Thomas wisely points out that we need to focus on giving respect and looking for those bright spots, just as Paul did many of the churches to whom he wrote (consider the church in Corinth - 1Cor. 1:4, "I always thank God for you..." - despite their flaws!).
Betsy and Gary Ricucci, in Love That Lasts, write,
"Honor isn't passive, it's active. We honor our wives by demonstrating our esteem and respect: complimenting them in public; affirming their gifts, abilities, and accomplishments; and declaring our appreciation for all they do. Honor not expressed is not honor."
One final comment from Thomas:
"Contempt is conceived with expectations. Respect is conceived with expressions of gratitude. We can choose which one we will obsess over - expectations, or thanksgivings. That choice will result in a birth - and the child will be named either contempt, or respect."
I pray that these words are of great encouragement to you - and to your marriage. May you seek, and find, thanksgiving and respect in your marriage.
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